Title: A Sigh Is Just A Sigh
Pairing: Keita/Ryuichi
Author: venenatus.venustas
Rating: R for bad words.
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, unfortunately. But do own story. I do not presume to know anything of their private and/or business lives. This is all FICTION, meaning I MADE IT UP. I do not claim truth in anything you may read from this story. Except for their hairstyles.
Warnings: Angst, I guess? Some fluff, maybe?
Inspired by: Ryuichi’s ringlets.
Summary: But a kiss is never just a kiss.


Continued from:
Prologue = Regret/Refusal
Part 1 = Plans/Denial
Part 2 = Confessions/Admissions
Part 3 = Substitution/Jealousy
Part 4 = Realisation/Restraint
Part 5 = Security/Broken
Part 6 = Confusion/Aversion
Part 7 = Uncertainty/Fright
Part 8 = Impasse/Frustration
Part 9 = Movement/Stillness
Part 10 = Storm/Thunder


Part 11: Trouble in paradise, already.


A/N: So...this part took a month and a half. I'm sorry! So I have this horrible fever, and I'm all light-headed. I don't know what I'm doing. Tell me if I'm doing something wrong, and I will fix it when I feel better. Like, you know. Tomorrow (I hope! XD).





O.o o.O


“So, haven’t killed or maimed anyone yet? And you know by anyone I mean Keita, right?” Ken grinned at Ryohei, who swatted at him half-heartedly.

“Shut up and drive. I’m not that bad.”

“Of course you are. That’s why I love you. You’re such the sadist. Rawr.”

Ryohei laughed, although it wasn’t as cheerful as Ken had hoped for. “You love it.”

“I just said I do,” Ken said, and glanced over at Ryohei, flashing a smile. “So, how were things today?”

Ryohei was silent for a long while, and Ken looked over again, smile fading.

“Bad?”

Ryohei shook his head. “No, not really, just.” He sighed, tugging lightly at his seatbelt. “How do I put it? Very strange.”

“Strange?”

“It’s sort of like…you know what happened this morning, right? I thought – I thought Keita had managed to sweet talk Ryuichi into sleeping with him, so I was…”

“On the warpath?”

“No,” Ryohei grinned, rolling his eyes. “You don’t understand Keita, Ken-chan. He could – he could talk anyone into bed. Literally.”

“Is he really that great of a talker?”

“When he’s on the warpath, yeah.” Ryohei shook his head. “I know sometimes he seems, I don’t know, cute or whatever, but really…Ken-chan, if you saw him put the moves on a girl, if you’ve ever seen that look in his eyes, you’d know that he…”

“I get it. You’re afraid he’d do the same for Ryuichi. Or he did. Or will.”

Ryohei sighed. “What if this is just an experiment for him? What if – what if he messes around with Ryuichi and decides that boys really aren’t for him? Or what if he decides that boys are for him but Ryuichi isn’t? I can’t – I won’t let him – I can’t have Ryuichi hurt again.” Ryohei covered his eyes with a hand, and Ken reached over to grip Ryohei’s knee.

“It will be alright. Things will be alright. Ryuichi is so much stronger than we take him for. I know you want to protect him, but you can only do so much. In the end, it all comes back down to Keita and Ryuichi.”

“I know.” Ryohei twined his fingers with Ken’s. “It’s just. I wish I could, you know? Protect Ryuichi.”

Ken grinned again. “Should I be getting jealous? Ryuichi always was your favourite.”

Ryohei lifted Ken’s hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it. “What do you think?”

“Nah, don’t need to worry,” Ken said easily, and continued driving with one hand so Ryohei could hold his other one. “You know we’re a safety hazard right now, though, right?”

“I’m sorry.” Ryohei let go of Ken’s hand, which returned to the steering wheel.

“Don’t worry about it.” There was a pause, and Ken cleared his throat. “Is that your priority, though? Protecting Ryuichi?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know why Keita turned out the way he is. I don’t know why he has to go play with women. But I do know I want him to stop it, to have a proper relationship because it’s not healthy, you know, mentally, as in. Maybe…maybe this will be good for both of them. Or maybe it’ll be good for Keita and ruin Ryuichi. I don’t know. I…don’t know.”

Ken turned into his parking spot neatly, and Ryohei, as always, blinked in surprise at the smoothness that Ken slid into his space with – no edging and turning with him, just turn straight in and that was it.

Ken took his keys out of the ignition and turned to smile at Ryohei, and Ryohei felt his frown relax into a returning smile, all thoughts of Keita and Ryuichi fleeing his mind, leaving behind only the scent and sight of Ken in front of him. “You don’t know how badly I want to kiss you right now,” Ken breathed out, and Ryohei bit his lower lip, smile widening and a faint flush rising in his cheeks.

“Photographers,” he said simply.

“Fuckers,” Ken corrected. “Upstairs.”

“Okay.” Ryohei unbuckled his seat belt, scrambling out of the car and slamming the door shut behind him. The car beeped as Ken pressed the alarm button, and Ryohei grinned at Ken as he walked on ahead into the building.

As soon as they entered the lift Ken backed Ryohei into a corner, eyes almost black as he stared intensely at Ryohei.

Ryohei tilted his head up, offering his mouth, but keeping it far enough away from Ken. “Security cameras.”

“Fuckers, too,” Ken said, breathing out harshly, and Ryohei grinned, running his tongue over his lips before biting down gently on his lower one.

“Almost there,” he said.

“There,” Ken growled, and grabbed Ryohei’s wrist, tugging him out of the lift as soon as the doors opened.

Ryohei grinned, stumbling along most willingly, and Ken fumbled briefly with his keys as he pushed the door open, tossing his keys – somewhere, and slammed the door shut, pushing Ryohei against the carved wood by his shoulders.

Ryohei smiled up at him from under his eyelashes, and Ken tilted his head to kiss him, but Ryohei lifted his chin up and to the side, ever the tease.

Ken stepped closer, one leg between Ryohei’s spread thighs, chest pressing against Ryohei’s. “You’re teasing me?” he murmured, low in his throat, and Ryohei could feel the vibrations of Ken’s voice against his chest and he shuddered from the deliciousness of it all.

“Yes,” Ryohei sighed, grin loose and slipping as Ken’s hands slid under his t-shirt.

“Naughty,” Ken whispered, and leaned in and Ryohei tilted his head up for the kiss that never came.

“Ken,” Ryohei whined, pouting.

Ken smirked, and the tips of his fingers ran from Ryohei’s shoulders up his neck to under his jaw, and Ryohei shuddered again, reaching up to thread his fingers into Ken’s hair, pulling their lips together forcefully and grinding his hips against Ken’s.

Ryohei whimpered when Ken ended the kiss, separating his body from Ryohei’s, pushing him back by his shoulders.

“Here? Now?”

Ryohei didn’t even have to think about it. “Yes.”

O.o o.O

Ryuichi perched somewhat awkwardly on the sofa that night. Ryohei was off at Ken-chan’s place again, and Keita was changing in his bedroom. Ryuichi had just finished changing himself, and he had no idea what he and Keita were going to do all evening. After all, this was their first together as a – what, couple? As boyfriends? Lovers (no, not quite)? Friends that have more-than-just-friends feelings and that kiss?

“Hey.” Keita sat down next to him in a t-shirt and shorts, like Ryuichi.

“Hey.” Ryuichi stared at the television.

“What’re you watching?” Keita smiled at him, softly, and Ryuichi saw out of the corner of his eye, but kept his gaze fixed on the television.

“Nothing.” There was a game show on, but Ryuichi didn’t especially like the hosts or the guests.

Keita leaned towards him slightly, as if wanting to say something, but then sighed quietly and sat back in his seat.

The game show continued playing, and the two of them remained silent on the couch. Except Keita wasn’t really watching the show, and Ryuichi knew because he wasn’t really watching the show either.

“Ryuichi…”

“What?”

And there it was again – Keita wanting to say something, but then thinking better of it. “Never mind.”

“What is it?” Some of the frustration Ryuichi was feeling must have shown through his tone, because Keita blinked at him as if surprised.

“Nothing, I – do you want some fruit? I could peel an orange for you?”

Ryuichi stared at him. “You want to peel an orange for me?”

A light flush dusted Keita’s cheeks as he lowered his eyes. “I mean. You know.”

“I could peel my own orange.”

“No, it’s just. I wanted to. See, I told you to never mind.” Keita fixed his stare on the television, crossing his arms.

Ryuichi bit lightly on the side of his tongue. “Um. That would be…nice.” He reached over to rest his fingertips on Keita’s thigh, and Keita looked at him with a smile.

“Okay.” Keita bounced off the sofa, disappearing off into the kitchen. Ryuichi gazed after him, a small smile playing on his lips as he listened to Keita bang around, making entirely too much noise for him just to be peeling fruit.

Ten minutes later, Keita emerged with a bowl of peeled oranges, and sat down next to Ryuichi. “Look, I managed to separate the pieces without tearing them.”

Ryuichi gave a returning grin, but said nothing as he reached for a wedge.

“Is it good?”

“A bit sour.”

“Sweet?”

“Yes.” Ryuichi chewed somewhat self-consciously, wondering why Keita wasn’t eating but instead choosing to watch him eat instead. “You’re not eating any?”

“I, uh.” Keita took a piece and ate it, but he continued to watch as Ryuichi took another piece.

“Keita, you’re freaking me out,” Ryuichi said, fifteen minutes later, with all the oranges eaten and Keita still staring.

“What? Why?”

“Stop staring.”

“I just – I…”

And that was when Ryuichi got the clue that maybe what Keita had wanted to tell him or ask him before wasn’t if he wanted fruit at all and didn’t, in fact, have anything to do with oranges either.

“Keita, what is it?”

“I wanted to…” Keita’s fingers tightened their grip on the empty plastic bowl, and he blinked as if lost.

“What is it?”

Keita reached out, curling his hand around the back of Ryuichi’s neck, pulling him close for an open kiss, tongue sliding almost immediately into Ryuichi’s mouth, tasting the faint sweetness of oranges on Ryuichi’s own tongue, and the bowl that Keita still held clattered to the floor as he shifted on the sofa, reaching up with his other hand to cup Ryuichi’s cheek as Ryuichi moaned, surprised at first but relaxing quickly, eyes dropping shut as Keita lowered him to lay on his back, and there were gentle fingers tracing the side of his face and Ryuichi wondered if this really was Keita kissing him, because he would never think of Keita being capable of such tenderness.

Keita shifted away from Ryuichi slightly, angling his body off to the side, and Ryuichi curled a leg around Keita’s hip, trying to pull him back to him, to press their bodies together, but Keita tore his mouth from Ryuichi’s, shaking his head. “No,” he said.

“Why?” Ryuichi asked, confused.

“I, uh.” Keita blushed.

“Oh.” Ryuichi scooted back from Keita, sitting up, and Keita sat up with him, tugging his shirt down, and Ryuichi averted his eyes carefully.

“I wasn’t sure if you were, um.”

Ryuichi shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Ryuichi…” Keita reached over to cup Ryuichi’s chin in his hand and run the pad of his thumb over Ryuichi’s jaw. “It’s okay. I can’t even begin to think of how much he scared you.”

Ryuichi lowered his head. “Please, let’s not talk about that. Let’s not spoil the evening.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not ashamed, I’m just…”

Keita sat closer to him. “I know you’re not ready. It’s alright.”

Ryuichi took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Right. I, um. Let’s…let’s just go to bed, please?”

“Of course,” Keita said easily. “Let’s go.” He took Ryuichi’s hand, leading the way to his bedroom, and Ryuichi followed slightly behind, scrutinising Keita’s face and wondering when not being ready wouldn’t be alright anymore.

Ryuichi slid into bed, and Keita got in after him, pulling the comforter up to tuck it in around Ryuichi’s shoulders before lying down next to him. Keita smiled, leaning in for a brief kiss.

“Good night, Ryuichi.” But the look Ryuichi gave him in reply dampened Keita’s smile, and he asked, “Ryuichi, is something wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” Ryuichi said. “Good night.”

“Tell me. Tell me what’s wrong.” Keita’s hand reached for Ryuichi under the covers. “Are you – are you afraid?”

“Yes,” Ryuichi answered almost immediately.

“Don’t be,” Keita said, and leaned in to brush his lips to Ryuichi’s comfortingly. “I’m sorry for scaring you. Don’t worry. And sleep.”

Ryuichi gave Keita a small smile, and that seemed to be enough for Keita, who shifted into a more comfortable position, eyes falling shut tiredly. He watched Keita drift off into sleep, wishing that Keita knew what he was afraid of and apologising for that instead.

O.o o.O

Three weeks later found Keita and Ryohei at home alone after work; Ryuichi had gone out skating, and since he hadn’t asked Keita to join him, Keita decided it would be a good opportunity to talk to Ryohei.

“It’s been three weeks.”

“So?” Ryohei took a sip of his tea.

Keita stared into his teacup forlornly. “Ryuichi’s only let me kiss him so far.”

“Not bad, considering.”

“Considering what?”

“Considering he was almost raped.”

Keita stared at Ryohei. “How can you say that so casually?”

Ryohei put down his teacup. “Casually? Nothing I say regarding that ever could be or ever will be casual. If you hadn’t saved him, Keita…”

“Yeah.”

“I can’t even imagine our situation right now if you hadn’t gone home early that night.”

“I know.”

“Keita, I never said this but…thank you.”

“For what?”

“For saving Ryuichi.”

Keita shook his head. “You don’t need to thank me for something like that.”

Ryohei gave Keita a small smile. “Perhaps.”

They sat in silence for a while, each mulling over their own thoughts.

“So,” Ryohei said, “three weeks?”

Keita gave a slight shake of his head, as if clearing it. “Yeah. But…”

Ryohei waited.

“But – but what you said earlier –it doesn’t seem so long, does it, when you think about that?”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“I mean, Ryuichi was – he was – ” Keita sighed.

“Did you make a move on Ryuichi yet?”

“Not exactly. Like, when it came down to it, he wasn’t ready.”

“Did you two talk about that yet?”

“Sort of. Second night.”

“Of the relationship?’

“Yeah.”

“What did you say? What did he say, for that matter?”

“It wasn’t so much talking as…implying.”

Ryohei arched a delicate eyebrow at Keita.

“Well,” Keita said, dipping the tip of his index finger into his cup of tea and then wiping it off on his trousers. “We were, you know, uh, kissing.”

“Right. And?”

“And then I, uh, was. You know. And then Ryuichi sort of freaked out.”

“Were you, you know.” Ryohei set down his teacup to make a rather obscene gesture with his hands.

“No!” Keita held his face with both hands, trying unsuccessfully to cover his blush. “It wasn’t like that. I was trying to move off to the side, so I wouldn’t scare him, but then he asked me what was wrong and he freaked out anyway.”

“Oh. So then what?”

“Well, we decided to just go to bed, you know. And then, I asked him if he was afraid, and he said yes.”

“Afraid of what?”

Keita frowned. “I, uh. Don’t know.”

“So you just assumed?”

“Yeah. I thought he was afraid of, you know, the, uh. Yeah. Because of what happened to him and all. Why, do you think he meant something different?”

Ryohei gave him a look that clearly indicated he thought as much. “Didn’t you even think about asking him exactly what it was he was afraid of? Not even to make sure he was talking about the same thing as you were – which you obviously weren’t, by the way – but just to, I don’t know, get more out of him? To understand him? Do you think you understand him?”

“I don’t think either of us do,” Keita said in a sharper tone than he intended.

Ryohei leaned forward on the table. “I’m not saying I understand him. But it doesn’t mean I’m not going to try at all. We’re his friends first and foremost, and you have to remember that you are his friend before you are his lover.”

Keita sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Shit,” he said softly. “Lover. Ryuichi’s my lover.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes falling shut. “I can’t believe I’m in a relationship with another boy. With Ryuichi. What would my mother say? What would my brother and sisters say?”

“Does it matter?”

“I…don’t know. If they…I wouldn’t know what to do.”

“That’s the worst case scenario. You’re thinking of telling them, then?”

“I guess. I – I guess,” Keita repeated. “You know, like, if this thing with Ryuichi gets serious.”

“This ‘thing?’” Ryohei arched an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Like, if Ryuichi and I decide to be exclusive. If we – I don't know, decide to commit. Or something.”

Ryohei’s eyes flashed as he curled his hands into fists and fought the urge to slap Keita. “If you and Ryuichi ‘decide to be exclusive’? If you two ‘decide to commit’? What do you think Ryuichi’s been doing this entire time? Do you think this is just a phase with him? That he’ll grow out of it? That the feelings he has are going to fade any time soon and then that’ll be it? That you’ll be just another relationship to him?”

“Stop asking me! I don’t know. I don’t know, okay?” Keita slammed both palms onto the table, pushing himself out of his seat and stalking a few steps away before flinging himself down onto the sofa.

Ryohei abandoned his tea on the dining table, and made his way to the living room area, sitting down on the armchair next to Keita on the sofa. His voice lowered, and in the stillness of their flat it was like a long slow note on a cello, low and solemn. “Ryuichi told me about the conversation you two had that night. The night where you convinced him to give you a chance.”

“So?” Keita curled up on the sofa, facing away from Ryohei.

“You were pretty smooth there, Keita. All those pretty words you said. The explanations…the lies.”

“I did not lie to him.”

“Oh?” Ryohei’s voice lightened into an innocent tenor, which, for all intents and purposes, was all the more deadly, the flashing grin of a blade before the strike.

“I didn’t!”

“Should I repeat for you some of the things you said?”

Keita didn’t respond.

“I distinctly remember Ryuichi telling me you asked for him to give you his everything. You asked for it, did you not?”

“So what if I did?”

“And then you said that there’s only him. And only has and ever will be him.” Ryohei could see Keita’s back tense up. “Did you not say that either?”

“I did,” Keita said finally.

“So did you not mean it when you said those things? Were they lies?”

“No, they weren’t. But when I said those things – all I had thought of was Ryuichi. All that had mattered then was Ryuichi. I didn’t spare a thought to anyone else, not to my mother, my family, or my career – our career – the three of us together. That includes you, Ryohei. There are…too many factors in this. Yes, I’m scared. But…I didn’t lie when I said those things to him.”

Ryohei seemed to relax minutely then, and asked, “So what do you want from him?”

“It’s like I told him.” Keita gave another short laugh, devoid of all mirth. “Everything. It’s – when I stop thinking about it, then that’s all I want. I wish…it could just be the two of us, you know? That…you know, I’m afraid whenever I go out with him, Ryohei.”

“I know.”

“Do you? The fear that – that someone would read too much into it, that the paparazzi would catch us…”

“The two of you are too careful not to be caught in compromising positions in public. I have faith enough in that.”

“It’s not that. The way Ryuichi looks at me – god, Ryohei, I didn’t even know until it was gone, and now – now it’s back, different from before, but it’s back.”

“The…way he looks at you?”

“Yeah. You know…he’s started smiling again.”

Ryohei watched as some of the tension in Keita’s shoulders melted away before answering, “Yes.”

“I’m…I don’t know if you understand. You weren’t there that very first night, when – when it happened. The look in his eyes was…and all the time afterwards, too. His smile was…shattered. By William.” Keita’s voice turned hard, and he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “He did that to Ryuichi. I could – I will never forgive him for that.”

“But you were saying just now. He’s started smiling again, and that’s all that matters, after everything that’s happened.”

Keita didn’t answer.

“Keita. Look at me. Look at me,” Ryohei said again, when Keita didn’t respond, and then waited until Keita inched his body around to face Ryohei. “Keita. You need to start thinking about what really is bothering you, instead of thinking up a thousand reasons why you two shouldn’t be together. A relationship is between two people – you and Ryuichi. Do you really want to be with him? Because if you don’t think you’re serious about this, I would rather you end this now before you hurt him any more.”

“I don’t want to hurt him at all,” Keita said, and shot Ryohei with a sharp glare.

“Then maybe that’s the problem,” Ryohei said. “Maybe you’re misunderstanding your own feelings for romantic ones. I have no idea what you’re thinking, you know. Do you even know yourself?”

When Keita didn’t immediately respond, Ryohei sighed, and stood up.

“I’m going to Ken-chan’s place. Ryuichi should be home soon. Do you need anything before I go? Something to eat?”

Keita shook his head dully.

Ryohei went to clear the table, and glanced over at Keita’s still figure on the sofa before entering the kitchen. He sighed before rolling his eyes to himself, and wondered when the drama in this household would be over.

O.o o.O

“I’m home.” Ryuichi closed the door behind him, leaning his skateboard against the wall and dropping his keys onto the small table by the door. He went straight into Keita’s bedroom, where he proceeded to empty his pockets onto the side of Keita’s dresser that somehow became his.

“Welcome home,” Keita said, and Ryuichi turned to see him leaning against the doorjamb of the bedroom, arms crossed loosely across his chest, and a faint smile on his lips.

“Hi.” Ryuichi gave a small grin. “I didn’t see you when I came in.”

“I was in the kitchen.” Keita pushed off from the doorjamb, and walked slowly over to Ryuichi, who looked up at him, smile widening as Keita’s arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him close to Keita.

“So what did you do today?” Ryuichi’s hands rested on Keita’s biceps, and he tilted his head to the side, wondering why Keita seemed so different today.

Keita shrugged. “Nothing much. Me and Ryohei hung out for a while, but then he left to go to Ken-chan’s place.”

“When did he go?”

“A couple hours ago. I thought you’d be home sooner. How was skating today?”

“Good. It was good. I’m trying to improve my technique, you know. No point doing something if I’m going to do it half-assed, right?”

“Right,” Keita said, somewhat absently, and reached up to brush Ryuichi’s fringe away from his eyes, but really it was just to run his fingertips over Ryuichi’s temple.

“Keita?” Ryuichi looked up at him strangely.

“Hm?” Keita hummed as he leaned down, lips touching lightly against Ryuichi’s, and the kiss was so delicate, so fragile that Ryuichi thought if he dared breathe it would shatter.

Three weeks. It had been three weeks and still Ryuichi was wondering at this strange tenderness of Keita even as the kiss deepened and their breaths quickened and their bodies pressed tightly together as they desperately sought for more of each other’s mouths and then Keita had one hand sliding down the back of Ryuichi’s jeans and the other tangled in Ryuichi’s hair and Ryuichi himself had one hand wrapped around Keita’s bicep, feeling the hard muscle underneath his fingertips as Keita flexed his hand, and then Keita gave a small moan as Ryuichi’s hip pressed up against him just so.

Keita pushed Ryuichi away from him gently, tongue giving one lingering swipe before they parted completely, and Ryuichi looked up at Keita. “I’m sorry,” Keita said, and his panting breaths were hot and wet against Ryuichi’s skin.

Ryuichi shook his head. “No.”

Keita traced his thumb along Ryuichi’s jaw as he leaned down to kiss that soft spot just under Ryuichi’s ear, and Ryuichi purred, curling his body back into Keita, who moved back slightly again.

“No, it’s okay,” Ryuichi said quietly, and Keita gave him a wide-eyed look and tried to laugh off his nervousness.

“What’s bringing this on today?” he asked, and he could feel his heart pounding against his rib cage.

“Mmm. Just. Getting used to you. Slowly.” Ryuichi ran the tip of his index finger down Keita’s chest, between his pectorals and down his abdomen and sliding over his belly button towards the waistband of his trousers and Keita was holding his breath, gazes locked with Ryuichi.

“Okay,” he said faintly, and that was all he could manage just then.

“But,” Ryuichi said, looking up at Keita guiltily. “That is all.”

Keita nodded jerkily, and Ryuichi stepped back from him, letting out a deep sigh.

“Keita, can I…”

“What is it?” Keita tried desperately to swallow, but his throat was too dry.

“I, uh…” Ryuichi’s cheeks coloured red.

“It’s okay, Ryuichi,” Keita said, and his heart was still pounding and his cock was still hard and he clenched his fists and forced himself to focus on Ryuichi standing before him, frowning, chewing on the side of his lower lip in consternation.

“Never mind,” Ryuichi said finally, shaking his head.

“Okay,” Keita said, and wondered when he’d be able to get in the shower for a quick jerk off. For the past week or so, Ryuichi had been like this, always wanting to ask or say something, but then backing down in the very last moment. “You know you could tell me anything, right?”

Ryuichi nodded. “Right. I, uh. I’m going to go get something to drink. Thirsty, you know.” And then he fled from the bedroom, leaving Keita to stumble to the bed and all but collapse on top of it, covering his eyes with his hands and letting out a deep breath. When he was considerably calmed, he gave himself a quick once-over in the mirror, and left to go look for Ryuichi.

“Ryuichi,” he said, when he found Ryuichi sitting at the dining table with an unopened bottle of Pocari.

Ryuichi looked up at him, giving a hesitant smile. “Hey.”

Keita pulled out the chair across from Ryuichi and sat down. “I think…we should talk.”

Ryuichi looked down at the table. “Right.”

“Ryuichi.” Keita reached across to place a hand on top of Ryuichi’s. “Please, look at me.”

“No,” Ryuichi said.

“Why?”

“I don’t want to. Not if you’re…going to talk about what I think you are.”

Keita couldn’t help but smile at Ryuichi, who was frowning stubbornly. “And what do you think I’m going to talk about?”

Ryuichi was very quiet, and very still, and he suddenly snatched his hand back from Keita, pulling both hands, still wrapped around the bottle of Pocari, close to himself. “If you’re going to break up with me, then you might as well come out and say it.”

“I…what?” Keita knew in some vague part of his brain that his mouth was hanging open, but he didn’t particularly care very much just then.

“I know you probably talked to Ryohei with me today. Or you wouldn’t be trying to have a talk with me now.”

“That…” Keita shook his head. “I will admit that my talk with Ryohei got me thinking, but certainly not in the way you’re thinking of.”

“What, are you going to tell me I’m completely wrong then? That you’re not freaking out that you’re with me – a boy, never mind what was done to me by – by –” Ryuichi couldn’t find it in him to speak the name, and settled for glaring instead.

“You’re right. I was freaking out. I freaked out for a good hour after Ryohei left. But that’s not the point, Ryuichi. That’s not the point.” Keita’s hands found themselves curling into fists, and he wished desperately he could somehow just telepath all his thoughts and feelings into Ryuichi so Ryuichi would just know and there wouldn’t be all this trouble with having to articulate thoughts coherently and trying to fit emotions into words.

“What is, then? What’s the point?” Ryuichi turned his eyes away from Keita.

“The point is, you insufferable idiot, that I’m fine being with you. With you. A boy. And that I think it’s okay for you to be feeling scared of being – being close to me, um, that way, because of what happened.”

“Well – well –” Ryuichi looked around him, as if searching for a cue card to tell him what to say. “Well how should I know you’re fine with – whatever? I’ve been withholding sex from you since the beginning, and if your history is anything to go by, you should’ve dumped me on my ass a week into this thing. How was I to know you’d stick around? How am I to know now that you’re still willing to stick around? Or how long you’d be sticking around?”

Keita sighed. “Ryuichi. This – this thing that we have.” He gestured his hand between the two of them. “I’m willing to give it a serious go.”

And Ryuichi gave him a hard stare. “And what do you think I’ve been doing all this time?”

Keita winced. “I know, Ryohei said the same thing.”

“Great. Ryohei understands me more than you do. He treats me better, too. Maybe I should just go have a threesome with him and Ken-chan.”

“You don’t mean that,” Keita said quietly.

“Well, why not?” Ryuichi pulled one knee up towards his chest, resting his foot against the edge of his seat. “What are you offering me in this relationship besides your body?”

Bewildered, Keita said the first thing that came to mind, “I – I’m giving you me?”

“Right,” Ryuichi said, and Keita thought that Ryuichi’s potential for sarcasm increased exponentially since the – incident. “I’m sure you are. That’s exactly what you’re doing when you take me out to dinner and can’t look at me. Or when you pretend to, but really you’re just looking behind me. Or when we go out and you walk two feet away from me, with hands in your pockets. Really. You’re giving yourself to me. I’m so touched. Watch me swoon.”

“Ryuichi…” Keita could feel his throat close up. “Is that really how you see me?”

“It’s not a matter of perspective, you know. It’s all objective. Facts. That’s how you act when you’re with me in public, and that’s what I see when we’re together. Did you expect anything different?”

“I don’t know, I…” Keita gazed at Ryuichi blankly.

Ryuichi rested his forehead on his knee.

“Are we fighting?” Keita asked in a small voice. “Are we?”

“I don’t know,” Ryuichi said, after a long pause. “Do you want us to be?”

“No,” Keita said almost immediately.

“Then no, we’re not.”

“Ryuichi…I do want to be with you. I’m not – do you really think Ryohei treats you better than I do?”

Ryuichi didn’t answer.

“Don’t you – what about when I kiss you? Do you – are you – don’t you –”

“Don’t I what?”

“You don’t have the same reaction I do,” Keita blurted out.

“I hide it better,” Ryuichi said bluntly, and Keita’s mouth formed a silent ‘oh’.

There was a stiff silence between them, the lull in between fights that were hard and icy when the fight was not loud and explosive, but quiet and deceptively calm.

“Would you really prefer being with Ryohei instead of me?” Keita asked finally.

“Keita. You’re a fucking idiot.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Keita…” Ryuichi looked up at him, flashing Keita with an unreadable look before covering his eyes with a hand and then pinching the bridge of his nose. “If I wanted to be with Ryohei, I wouldn’t be with you, okay?”

“That’s not the point.”

Ryuichi sighed. “What’s the point, then?”

“The point is that I don't think you trust me.”

“You’re right then. I don’t.”

Keita stared at Ryuichi for a long moment, and Ryuichi began to feel the sickening twist of guilt in his gut, and wished he hadn’t been quite that honest. “Okay,” Keita said. “Okay.” And then he stood up, heading towards his bedroom.

Ryuichi stood up, not sure if he should go after Keita. “Keita. Don’t be like this. Come on. Come back. Talk to me. Keita.”

But Keita was already in his bedroom, closing his door behind him with a gentle click.

Ryuichi sighed, wanting to punch a wall or slam his fist through the table or – or something – but he didn’t, and settled for running a hand through his hair, pulling briefly at his roots at the top of his head. “Shit.”

O.o o.O

Onto Part 12 = Rebirth/Wanting

P.S: omg I hope this is okay. I feel like the chapters are getting crappier by the, uh, chapter... ._."