Title: A Sigh Is Just A Sigh
Pairing: Keita/Ryuichi
Author: venenatus.venustas
Rating: HARD R. I don't even know how to rate this anymore.
Disclaimer: Don’t own them, unfortunately. But do own story. I do not presume to know anything of their private and/or business lives. This is all FICTION, meaning I MADE IT UP. I do not claim truth in anything you may read from this story. Except for their hairstyles.
Warnings: Angst, I guess? Some fluff, maybe?
Inspired by: Ryuichi’s ringlets.
Summary: But a kiss is never just a kiss.


Continued from:
Prologue = Regret/Refusal
Part 1 = Plans/Denial
Part 2 = Confessions/Admissions
Part 3 = Substitution/Jealousy
Part 4 = Realisation/Restraint
Part 5 = Security/Broken
Part 6 = Confusion/Aversion


Part 7: Keita's still in complete denial, Ryuichi wakes up alone, and Ryohei doesn't quite get it until Ryuichi fills in the details for him.




O.o o.O

Could you imagine me with those on?

Keita squirmed uncomfortably and turned over to sleep on his other side. His sleep was the one of the distressed, and a frown knotted his brow as he kicked the covers from his legs; his inner thighs felt hot and he turned over to sleep on his back, spreading his legs to the cool air outside of this comforter.

Ryuichi rolled over on Keita’s left.

Keita gave a soft whimper, the sound lost to unhearing ears. He turned his head towards the right, breaths becoming harsher in the quiet night, one hand fisting his t-shirt and the other curling into his comforter. A thin sheen of perspiration dotted his hairline, and Keita squirmed out of his covers and its suffocating warmth.

Ryuichi snuffled and shifted his head higher on his pillow.

In Keita’s dream, Ryuichi was bound as he had on that night, sans the metal cock ring, and Keita was allowed to look and touch as much as he desired. Keita’s hands rested on Ryuichi’s thighs, feeling the muscles under the skin flex and stretch as Ryuichi pulled weakly on his chains, hips thrusting occasionally into the air to try and reach Keita’s mouth, poised just over his cock but far away enough that Ryuichi would never be able to reach him. And in Keita’s dream, Ryuichi was moaning, eyes half-lidded and watching Keita closely. And in Keita’s dream, Keita was watching Ryuichi watch him.

In reality, Keita rolled over onto his stomach, relishing the pressure on his aching cock. His conscious mind may be lost to the dream world, but his brain most certainly wasn’t, and it knew exactly what to do in this situation, which was to thrust against the bed. It knew on some deep, subconscious level that Ryuichi was right next to him, fast asleep, but oh holy fuck knowing that somehow made it even better.

But in Keita’s dream, Keita was undoing Ryuichi’s cuffs – it was fun for a while, but not particularly ideal for what he had planned next. And then Keita brandished the set of leather cuffs (and the somewhat conscious part of him knew that he only knew what sort of cuffs they were because they were the same ones that Ryuichi had tried on earlier that day) and Ryuichi had licked his lips, panting and moaning and begging so sweetly (“Please, Keita, please…oh, please…”) to be put in them.

But in reality, Ryuichi rolled over onto his back and flung an arm out, hitting Keita’s shoulder.

And Keita gasped, opening his eyes, forced back into awareness, momentarily disorientated after being jerked out of his dream. He was aware of two things. One, he was almost painfully hard. Two, Ryuichi was right next to him, body almost flush against his, close enough under the covers that Keita could feel Ryuichi’s body heat. Well, three things, the third being that he was going to explode if he didn’t get to come soon. And okay, four – he could remember every single last detail of his dream. Every. Single. Last. Detail.

It took less than a heartbeat for Keita to make his decision. He slid sideways, careful not to disturb Ryuichi, relaxing when Ryuichi’s arm dropped to the bed and all of Ryuichi’s reaction was a soft sigh.

And then he made a run for the bathroom.

O.o o.O

Ryuichi frowned, rolling over onto his right, arms flung out in front of him.

Something was wrong.

Something was missing.

Keita was missing.

Ryuichi opened his eyes and sat up, seeing nothing but empty space on the bed next to him. The sheets were cold, icy against Ryuichi’s sleep-warmed skin, and Ryuichi knew that Keita hadn’t just left his side.

“Keita?” His voice was so quiet in the stillness.

There was no answer, no sound, and Ryuichi held his breath a few beats longer than necessary.

“Keita?” he asked again, and this time his eyes filled with tears. The bedroom door was closed, and there was no light from the hallway illuminating the cracks.

Silence surrounded Ryuichi, save for the sound of the occasional car passing by outside the window.

Ryuichi curled his knees up, hugging his arms in close to his chest and hunching over. “Keita?” Ryuichi’s face crumpled with the first teardrop that escaped his eyes. “Where are you?” He shuffled backwards until his back was pushed against the headboard of the bed. His heart was speeding up until he could hear the blood pulsing through his temples, could feel the throbbing in his chest.

Ryuichi knew he was scared.

“Keita?” he sobbed, and no one answered.

So then he did the only thing he could think of – he scrambled out of bed, flung open the door, and ran to Ryohei’s room, not even bothering to knock before letting himself in and shutting the door behind him as quietly as possible. “Ryohei,” he called, standing in the middle of the room, arms wrapped around himself.

“What?” Ryohei yawned, rubbing his eyes. “Ryuichi is that you? What’s wrong?”

“Ryohei, I’m scared,” Ryuichi whimpered, sniffing back his tears, and hated how pathetic he sounded, but he couldn’t help it and he inched closer to the bed.

Ryohei scooted over, lifting the covers. “Come here, Ryu-chan. It’s cold.”

Ryuichi slid into bed next to Ryohei, shuddering even in the warmth. “Thanks.”

Ryohei held Ryuichi close, stroking Ryuichi’s hair. “Do you feel better?”

Ryuichi nodded.

“Why were you scared?”

Ryuichi’s voice was choked as he answered, “I woke up alone.”

“Where’s Keita?”

Ryuichi shook his head.

“Is he in the bathroom?”

“The bed’s cold,” Ryuichi said, shaking his head, and Ryohei frowned.

“Is it?”

Ryuichi nodded.

“It’ll be okay,” Ryohei said, and patted the extra pillow he had. “Do you want to sleep here for now?”

Ryuichi nodded again, sliding down in the bed until he lay, looking up at Ryohei. “Thanks, Ryohei,” he said. “You’ll stay with me, right? You won’t leave me?”

“No,” Ryohei said. “I won’t leave you.” And as Ryuichi closed his eyes, worry and fright still creasing his brow, Ryohei gritted his teeth and wondered just where the fuck Keita could have gone for so long.

O.o o.O

Keita tossed the tissues into the wastebasket, rinsing off his hands and drying them hastily before exiting the bathroom. They had a clock in the bathroom, to keep time in the mornings when they would be rushed beyond belief, and Keita could scarcely believe that he had been in there for so long. He wondered briefly at his open bedroom door – hadn’t he closed it when he left? – but then the answer to his question came at the empty bed that met him.

For a second, Keita didn’t even know how to respond as his heart beat wildly and he looked around, lost. Then he turned – he’d go ask Ryohei.

“Come in.” Ryohei answered instantly when Keita knocked on the door, sounding very much awake.

Keita peeked his head around the opening before inching himself in. “Ryohei?”

Ryohei was sitting up in bed, covers pooled around his waist, legs crossed, glaring. “Where were you?” he demanded in a harsh whisper.

“What are you – oh, thank god, Ryuichi’s with you.”

“Well of course he’s with me. The question is, where were you.” Ryohei crawled out of his bed to stand close to Keita.

“I was…in the bathroom.”

“Do you know how scared Ryuichi was when he woke up to find you gone? For fuck’s sake, Keita, how hard is it to tell him you needed the toilet before you went?”

“I…didn’t want to wake him.”

“It wouldn’t have made much of a difference if you had.”

Keita looked down. “I’m sorry.”

“He came to me crying,” Ryohei continued, glaring up at Keita. “He said his bed was cold, that he was scared.”

“He – he was?” Keita bit his lip.

“Well of course he was! Why do you even think he started sleeping with you in the first place?”

“I’m sorry,” Keita repeated.

“Yeah, well I’m not the one you should be saying that to.” Ryohei turned back to glance at Ryuichi, asleep in his bed. “What do you want to do now?”

“Take him back to my room,” Keita said, and cocked his head to the side, eyes narrowing as his gaze turned challenging.

“Fine.” Ryohei went to by his bed, placing a hand on Ryuichi’s shoulder, shaking him gently. “Ryu-chan. Ryu-chan, wake up. Keita’s here.” His tone of voice changed instantly, as severe with Keita just then as it was gentle with Ryuichi now, and Keita pressed his lips into a thin line at the extra sweetness that tinged Ryohei’s voice as he spoke to Ryuichi.

Ryuichi snuffled, and rubbed his eyes, sitting up. “Ryohei?”

Keita stepped forward, placing a hand on Ryohei’s shoulder to get him to move aside. “Ryuichi, I’m here.”

Ryuichi didn’t say anything, merely looked up at him with wide eyes and a blank expression.

“I was in the bathroom,” Keita said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.”

Ryuichi blinked.

“Do you want to come back to bed?” Keita asked.

Ryuichi stared some more.

“I promise I’ll stay by you for the rest of the night. And if I need to use the toilet again I will tell you.” Keita didn’t know why he felt the need to do this, but he needed Ryuichi next to him, not next to Ryohei – Ryuichi could only be safe with him, what could Ryohei give to Ryuichi?

Ryohei sat down on his bed and patted Ryuichi’s calves through his covers. “It’ll be okay, Ryu-chan,” he said.

Ryuichi turned his head to look at Ryohei. “Does Ryohei not want me?” he asked.

Ryohei shook his head. “No, of course I would love to have you here. But it would make Keita feel so much better if you would sleep next to him.”

“Ryohei doesn’t want Ryuichi because Ryuichi is dirty.”

“That’s not true,” Ryohei said, and there was a firmer edge to his voice now. “You know it’s not true.”

Ryuichi’s eyes swung back to Keita. “Keita doesn’t want Ryuichi because Ryuichi is dirty.”

“No!” Keita shouted, surprising himself at his outburst. “That’s absolutely not true. I was in the bathroom. I’m sorry for not telling you.” He went to stand in front of Ryuichi, and choked back a gasp when Ryuichi flinched away from his hand. “I’m sorry, Ryuichi. Come back to bed.”

“No one wants Ryuichi,” Ryuichi said, eyes glassy. “No one wants Ryuichi because Ryuichi is dirty. No one wants dirty Ryuichi in their bed.”

“Don’t say that, Ryu-chan,” Keita said, and leaned down, cupping Ryuichi’s chin on one hand and tilting it up to face him directly. “You are not dirty. I need to know you’re safe, Ryuichi, and I only know that when you’re next to me.”

Ryuichi lowered his head, hair falling in front of his face. Ryohei reached up to tuck it behind Ryuichi’s ear and Keita wanted to smack Ryohei’s hand away but clenched at the hem of his t-shirt instead.

“Ryuichi, please,” Keita said.

“What do you want to do?” Ryohei asked Ryuichi gently. “What do you want to do right now?”

Ryuichi frowned and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth.

He wants to be with me, Keita wanted to say. He wants me but he just doesn’t want to say it out loud.

“I want…” Ryuichi lowered his head. “I don’t want you to treat me like this.”

“Who, me?” Ryohei asked. “Keita? Who?”

Ryuichi didn’t answer, but continued talking. “I don’t want you to treat me like I’m a porcelain doll. I’m dirty, not broken. I’m spoiled, not shattered.”

“You’re not dirty or spoiled,” Keita cut in, but Ryuichi spoke on as if he hadn’t heard.

“I know I’m asking for a lot, asking you to be with me constantly, but I don’t know what else to do to make myself less scared.” Ryuichi held his head in his hands.

“You don’t need to ask, Ryu-chan, we’re here for you anyway. We would do all we can even if you didn’t ask, because we love you so much.” Ryohei stroked Ryuichi’s back, and Keita lowered himself onto his knees to look up at Ryuichi.

“Ryu-ryu. Please. I’m asking you now. Please. Come back to bed. Don’t make me worry like this.”

Ryuichi lifted his hands from his face, and Keita reached up to wipe away Ryuichi’s tears. “Keita,” he said in a small, childish voice. “Keita will take me to bed?”

“Yes. I’ll stay with you the whole night, I promise.”

“Okay.”

Keita held his hand out to Ryuichi and Ryuichi took it with only the slightest hesitation.

O.o o.O

Ryohei was clearly not pleased with him. He had been shooting Keita hidden death glares all morning, glares that plainly said, “We need to talk but I haven’t pulled you aside yet because Ryuichi is with you.”

Keita thought they’d talked last night already, but apparently Ryohei wasn’t quite done yet.

Ryohei’s chance came, however, when it was Ryuichi’s turn in the recording studio, doing his backups, and Keita and Ryohei waited in the production room until the three of them would record the main track together.

“I can’t believe you did that last night,” Ryohei started, whisper sounding like a hiss in Keita’s ear.

“I was in the bathroom,” Keita replied defensively, crossing his arms.

“You left Ryuichi alone. By himself. In a cold bed. He was scared.” Well, that pretty much won the argument right there.

Keita stared at Ryohei angrily. “What am I supposed to say to that, Ryohei?”

“I just don’t see what could have occupied you for so long in the bathroom that your bed would turn cold. I’ve seen you tell him exactly what you’re doing even when he’s not paying attention to you, I’ve seen you cut into the middle of conversations, photo shoots, interviews, with no regard for anyone other than Ryuichi, so why, why, why couldn’t you have told him you were leaving his side, if only for a moment?” Ryohei turned with an exasperated sigh back to the window, watching Ryuichi make notes on his music.

Keita couldn’t answer, and Ryohei turned back with raised eyebrows, which inched even higher at Keita’s uncomfortable shifting.

Ryohei paused momentarily. “Tell me, Keita. Is Ryuichi an impediment to your sex life?”

“Don’t be silly, Ryohei.”

“I’m serious, Keita. You haven’t had a girl since, well. If you’re angry at Ryuichi, it’s understandable, just don’t take it out on him.”

“I'm not angry at him!”

“You were, you know, in the bathroom then?”

Keita looked away hastily. “I can’t believe you’re asking me this.”

“Keita, if you want to, you know, then let Ryuichi sleep with me. One night away from you won’t kill him, and, granted, a few minutes away from you didn’t kill him either, but it did frighten him.” Ryohei shrugged. “We’re young. We have hormones. You need to deal with them.”

Keita buried his face in his hands. “I can’t believe you’re talking to me about this.”

Ryohei shrugged, patting Keita on the shoulder. “It’s okay, though. I understand.”

No, Keita thought. Ryohei most certainly did not.

O.o o.O

“Ryohei, do you ever think about, uh, you know, my, um, stuff?”

Ryohei gave Ryuichi a perplexed look. “What stuff?”

Ryuichi stared pointedly back at him, raising his eyebrows.

“Oh. That. Well, no, actually, I don’t think so. Why?”

“Keita saw me.”

“Yes, he saw you.”

“No,” Ryuichi made a flapping motion with his hands. “No, I’m not talking about when – I'm saying last night. When he left me. I think I know why.”

Ryohei frowned. “Why do you think, then?”

“I was in my room. I had…something on my foot.”

“Ah.” Ryohei nodded, and Ryuichi could practically see the proverbial light bulb blinking on above Ryohei’s head. “Why do you think that was the reason?”

“I think I might have scared him. With my. And the.” Ryuichi lifted his foot and circled his ankle in the air.

“Hmmm. You think that?” Ryohei got a strange gleam in his eye and Ryuichi eyed him warily.

“I do. Why?”

A simply wicked smirk stretched Ryohei’s lips, and Ryuichi leaned backwards, somewhat afraid of Ryohei’s look. “Oh, nothing,” Ryohei answered airily. “Nothing at all.” He put a hand on Ryuichi’s thigh, leaning in close. “Hey, Ryuichi,” he said.

“Uh. Yeah?”

“So Keita found you trying on something?”

“Yeah. But it was just on my foot,” Ryuichi added hastily.

“Hmmm,” Ryohei said again, and immediately leaned back when Keita entered the room, shaking his wet hair back from his face.

Keita paused momentarily as he saw Ryohei and Ryuichi on the sofa together, and his eyes narrowed briefly – just for a fraction of a second – before he lifted his chin in greeting. “Hey.”

“My turn,” Ryuichi said, and slid off the sofa, brushing past Keita and disappearing off into the bathroom.

Keita sat down where Ryuichi had been just a moment ago. “Ryohei,” he began, and then stopped.

“What is it?” Ryohei flipped through the television channels idly, eyes somewhat unfocused.

Keita took in a deep breath. “You’d tell me stuff, right?”

“Sure, why not?”

“You’d tell me if you liked someone, right?”

Ryohei stopped, hand holding the remote lowering until it rested on his thigh. He didn’t answer.

“If I asked you, would you lie to me?”

“You know I don’t make a habit of lying.”

“You have someone you’re interested in, right?”

Ryohei looked down. “It’s more than interest,” he said softly. “I – I’m not too sure what it is, it’s still so new, but…” Ryohei looked up, and the small smile on his face was radiant. “It’s not as simple as interest, that much I know. As for the rest, we’ll see.” His smile turned secret, and Keita felt his heart clench.

“Who is it?” he asked, surprising himself by the tightness in his voice.

Ryohei’s tongue flickered out to wet his upper lip. “Uh. Well. That is, um.” He cleared his throat, a light blush dusting his cheekbones.

“Just tell me!” Keita shouted, and Ryohei looked at him, shocked.

“It’s Ken-chan,” he admitted easily, and Keita let out a deep sigh and felt his entire body relaxing into the soft cushioning of the sofa. “Keita, what is wrong with you?”

“Nothing. Nothing,” Keita repeated. “Nothing’s wrong with me. I’m just tired, is all. Nothing’s wrong.” He felt eerily unnerved by Ryohei’s knowing smile. And then his mind seemed to realise it had skipped over something important. “What, Ken-chan? Ken? Ken? Da Pump, Ken?”

Ryohei blushed again, a young man in love once more. “Oh, you know.”

“When did that happen?”

“That night I stayed over.”

“Oh my god, you two did it, didn’t you?”

“Keita! We didn’t just do it, we just…stuff happened, but not what you’re thinking!”

Keita smirked. “What am I thinking?”

“Keita!” Ryohei slapped him lightly, and Keita just laughed.

“Does Ryuichi know?”

“Not yet. I haven’t found the right time to tell him.” The mention of Ryuichi seemed to calm both of them down, and Ryohei’s giddiness subsided as the flush in his face faded away.

“He’ll be okay with it, I think,” Keita said.

“Yeah.”

“I mean, after all, he’s…yeah.”

“Yeah.”

There was a moment of silence, during which Ryohei watched Keita surreptitiously out of the corner of his eye.

“Keita, what about you?”

“What about me?”

“Don’t you think it’s time you came to terms with your own feelings?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Keita insisted, crossing his arms.

Ryohei leaned back in his seat. “I’m just saying, you know. Once Ryuichi gets better, there are plenty more men out there waiting for him. A boy as young and pretty and cute as Ryuichi, well, he’d be snapped up pretty quickly. And they’re not all going to turn out as bad as William did, you know.”

Keita didn’t reply, and Ryohei, not at all disturbed by the silence, continued flipping through the television channels.

O.o o.O

Onto Part 8 = Impasse/Frustration

P.S.: Well! Identity of Ken-chan revealed! Although it’s somewhat anti-climatic, innit? Turns out that DaPump!Ken won with 6 votes, while L’Arc!Ken had 3 and backupdancer!Ken had 2. Cheers to all for voting! *muah*